Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
