Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Randomize
