He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
