im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
