Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
