and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Did I show you my penis last night?
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
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