She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Randomize
