gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
If that guy asks u bout me, I said my name is Jenelle, from CT, I'm a cat behiavor consultant and I'm 29. Back my story up
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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