omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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