somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
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