I just threw up on my dentist
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
