Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
