I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
