I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize