i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
