new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
