They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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