I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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