wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
