What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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