I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
