when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
