If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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