I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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