Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
