Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
