I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
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