Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
