whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
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