i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
