I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
