the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
what day is it and did you see me today?
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
