One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
