there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize