so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
