I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
