It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I wish i was in the wii world.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
