...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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