I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
