The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
