Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Randomize
