Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
