he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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