Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
