You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
