I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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