Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
