Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
they're like a gay fantastic four
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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