last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
