I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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