I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
