I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Randomize
