I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
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