i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
