Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
