If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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