life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
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