Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Randomize
