When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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