oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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