take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
