got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Randomize
