mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
