Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
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